things you may not want to know but i'm telling you anyway

Anyone’s up to talking about death?

How I decides to die.

That is a song by Hugh Laurie called Changes. Although the beat is somewhat of a cheerful tone, I have to tell you that there’s something about this song that reminds me of death and the what happens after that (no, I am not talking about the afterlife, I meant the life for those who are left behind). I remember listening to this song on a Sunday morning somewhere in 2012 and I thought to myself ‘well this seems to be fitting of a song to be played when I die.

I post the song to one of my social media platform, voicing my thoughts about the how the song seems to be perfect to be played on my funeral; although I did not get many comments about it (something that I wasn’t looking for), I did get several private messages from friends and alike about the post. There are some who are concerned about the post, thinking that I might be sick and are probably dying; there are those who are pretty much mad about the post because they thought I was taking death as something light and even joke about it.

Honest to God, I had no inclination towards anything when I thought that the song would be fitting for a funeral song when I die somewhere in the future; at that time I thought this is just like when you hear a catchy song and post it on your social media platform and say something about how the song is perfect for a party, summer, or what have you. I am sorry if others took what I post as something of an ignorant thing but I thought to myself, why are people so sensitive about death?

Death is something inevitable; everyone will die, why tip toed around the subject? I’m not saying that talking about death will not hurt some people, of course it will. What I’m trying to say is, don’t look at death as if it something that will not happen if you just ignore it. I am the kind of person who would rather face the lion head on, rather on running and hiding with fear and no knowledge as to when the lion will strike me (not that every lion would want to strike me. Don’t ask me why I use a lion for this make believe situation), but I guess to each their own; I never one who likes to force my way on others (except for places to eat.)

I never really thought much about death growing up, mostly because I have never experienced death at that point in life (except for when I lost my first cat, Timmy). At 23, my grandmother passed away; something that I remember about it is that it feels like someone took some part of you, crushed it beyond repair and put it back where it belongs. Years after I lost my grandmother, I still can’t put into words how it affects me. Since her passing away, death has been a recurring thought in my head; I began imagining how my death would affects those close to me, how they would remember me while I’m alive, and how they would learn to move on.

Those questions should not bother me as much as how I would die for when you die, you just die. You won’t linger long enough in this world to have those questions answered; how you would die should scare and bother me more for I would not want to have a painful and full agony kind of death. If ever it was up to me, I would like to leave this world the way my grandmother did; she was surrounded by love from her two daughters and she went gracefully without pain and/or struggle, it’s as if she knew that this was the end and she embrace it with open arms.

I’m 27 and if my parents were any indication of how long I still have in this world, then maybe I still have a long way to go and I still have many things left unachieved yet. Then again, these recurring thoughts of death have been occupying my mind more frequently now that I am away from my close friends and family. What were to happened to them had I been dead far away from them? Must not have been a picnic in the park, right?

Oh, well, best not to talk about death at this point in my life. I still have many papers to submit, presentations to make, and a thesis to finished and defend on.

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