things you may not want to know but i'm telling you anyway

So, when are you going to get married? No, seriously, when?

I’m reaching the point, guys. I can’t tolerate this question anymore. I am at the point where I’m just running out of ways to be civil when people asked me this question. Long before I’ve reached this point, most of my friends had already gone through the phase of being asked these sort of questions, and get this, I do too but it never bothers me as those who asked me the questions are merely just asking it, they don’t care about my answers, so I got a pass from the all the angsty feeling.

But, comes the day when I’ll be 28 (which in just three months away, yay for birthday!) and the fact that I’ve been dating the same person for five years. So, naturally people start to get all up in their butt about my choices in life. Wait, what? No! There is nothing natural about other people wanting to know about my choices in life. But the question is, why do I have to be angry about people asking me these questions? Here’s why.


Q: Are you getting married this year?

A: Ha..ha..ha (notice that this is my wry smile, because I so know where this conversation is going), nope. Apparently I’m still not ready.

Q: Oh you still want to pursue your career, right?

A: Err, no. Just not ready. Nothing to do with career whatsoever.

Okay, here’s what I don’t get. I clearly said that I was not ready. In what weird universe that not ready equals I’m favouring my career over marriage? This annoys me to no end. Like, do you honestly think you know me better than myself that you took the liberty of going all shrink with me by trying to  read between the lines? I mean, I clearly said I. Was. Not. Ready. How and why did it turn into I still want to pursue my career? How, people? How? And, get this, even if I do still want to pursue my career, how is it that it’s such a bad thing? Not that I am, though.


Q: When are you going to get married?

A: Not sure. Still not ready, I suppose.

Q: You can’t say that. You’ll never be ready if you’re waiting until you’re ready (notice that this was being said with a very condescending tone, like this person knows better and maybe this person does but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t asking for that)

Okay, I really don’t know how this sort of saying comes around, but this definitely is always the counter argument to the “I’m not ready” one. But, why is it so bad if I want to wait until I’m ready? Why is it so frown upon that I just want to be a competent adult and came to the decision to be in a marriage life because I chose to, not because I was coaxed to? Like, do I somehow cause death upon others when I decided not to get married yet, that people had to be condescending with my choice?


Q: When are you going to get married?

A: Uh, not sure yet. We’re still saving up money for stuffs.

Q: Sweetheart, that’s not how you do marriage. Trust me, each couple has their own fair share of luck. You’ll find one after you’re married.

Is this even a legit argument? Like, do you even have a solid-proof argument to that? Because, I’m pretty sure there’s tons of couples out there who can counter that argument in a heartbeat. I get that what this person is trying to say is that, there would be no end to when you would think that you had save enough money for a marriage, so why can’t you just do it along the way? I get that, and although I don’t condone that, I can understand where the argument comes from. But, must we all do the same thing as other people? I really don’t feel comfortable about throwing myself into a marriage life without proper safety net of my own, and is that such a bad thing?


Q: When are you going to get married?

A: Not sure yet.

Q: Oh you have to do it soon, or you’ll be too old to have kids later.

Are. You. Seriously. Kidding. Me. Right. Now? Really? Why? Why do people assume that after you’re married, then comes kids? Had it not sink in yet, that having kids is not a rite of passage? Having kids is a choice? You don’t have to have one if you don’t want one. I mean, people do know that having kids is serious business, right? Like, your responsibility does not end in feeding them and clothing them (and/or taking uber cute picture of them to be posted on social media), it goes throughout the kids’ life. It’s a huge commitment. I’m not sure I’m up for that. Heck, I even took months to come to the decision of taking up another pet, why shouldn’t I be doing the same for another human being? Look, I still don’t know whether or not I would want a kid of my own, but if and when I do, it’s going to be a decision that both my significant order and I made on our own, not because society dictates us to have kids.


Q: When are you going to get married?

A: Not sure. I’ll think about it later. 

Q: Just get married soon, you know your parents can’t wait to have grandchildren, right?

Wait, what? Hold up! Hold up! So, I’m just suppose to be a reproductive machine for the joy of others? Look, it’s not like I don’t want to make my parents happy, trust me, I do want to make them happy and proud, therefore I am sure that it doesn’t always have to boil down to having kids, right? I mean, I’ve spent the better 20-ish years of my life not screwing up, so that’s already a feat of its own, right? Point is, the same argument above applies well into this scenario also.


Q: So, when are you getting married?

A: Gee I don’t know. I’m not ready. Stop asking me, will you?

Q: Well is he ready?

A: Probably. He said he’s just waiting for me.

Q: Well, what are you waiting for then? 

A: Err, because I’m still not ready?

Q: Yeah, but he’s going to leave you if you’re still not ready. What if someday he met some girl who’s ready for marriage? Then he’ll leave you for her.


What. The. Actual? Did you just sort of jinx me or something? Look, I don’t mean to sound I’m tough or anything but if that did happened, what else can I do? Even married couple can get a divorce, surely unmarried couple can broke up, right? Look, if that happens, then that guy is a prick, but one way or the other I have to move on, right? I don’t want to spend the rest of my entire life foregoing my happiness in fear that my partner is going to leave me. Oh, I should get married now, it don’t matter whether or not I’m ready, or else he’s going to leave me. Oh should get myself knocked up now, or else my husband’s going to cheat and leave me. Oh should just left my job, or else my husband will not be happy. Oh should keep my mouth shut, or else my husband would leave me. Like, really? For the rest of my entire life, my life will be measured in fears of being left by my partner? Would that be a life that I would want for myself? Of course not.


Here’s the deal, if and when I’m going to get married, that’s going to be a conscious decision that I am making for myself. I don’t know what the reason would be for why I would be ready for marriage later on, but it’s definitely a decision that I made for myself with respect to my partner’s decision also. I understand the concern that these people have for me, but y’all can be concerned and not condescending, right? Right? Okay, I’m out (drops mic).

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “So, when are you going to get married? No, seriously, when?”

  1. Great read! I’m also at that annoying age where people start to probe tentatively about marriage (though secretly I think they just want an excuse to get drunk and party and a wedding is as good an excuse as any). Not to worry, though, as we get closer to thirty the questions about marriage will stop… only to be replaced with “Don’t you want children? You know, you don’t have to be married to have children! You’re thirty, you’re basically dead, why are you not breeding?”

    Like

    1. Hey, thanks for stopping by. And it’s like you read my mind. I also think that people asking when you’re going to get married were just looking for an excuse for party, free food and what have you. Also, where I came from, there’s this parents’ ego about showing off their kids to their friends. Ugh! And, get this, even before marriage, people are already very intrusive about “kids”. I’m so beyond sick with this intrusive questions.

      Like

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