things you may not want to know but I'm telling you anyway

Has the value gone up or down, lately?

via Daily Prompt: Value

When I was younger, I prayed that I would never grow up. I don’t care for what adult life has to offer. I still do, though. But, grew up I did. How do you stop yourself from growing up, anyway? I have yet to figure out how to stop growing old up.

Sure, staying young definitely suck; what with having to go to school every day, going through horrible peer pressure (not that it ever affect me, I guess I’m pretty much too lazy to even comprehend that I was actually being peer pressured), having to do home works, study for tests. But, it’s not like being a grown up is any better. Good God, I had to think about saving money, paying my bills, and thinking about my standing in life.

I know it might seem weird for someone who made it impossibly clear that one is not interested in marriage to be talking about marriage all the time. And, believe me when I said I have tried so hard not to be talking about marriage, but talk I did. I struggled so much to put into words why am I so against marriage. What’s so horrible/despicable/disgusting about marriage that puts me off? I know the answers to that, but it seems that I can’t really put into words, lest people think I’m a bit crazy on the side.

But, since the odds of actual people that knows me in real life would read this post, I’ll explain anyway. Besides, most probably the people that would looked at me as if I grew another head would be my immediate family. Why? The last time I told them I don’t like strangers people coming to my house, they were so shocked, they might probably want to exorcise me for fear that I was the spawn of the devil.

Okay, here goes. At 22 I have it set on stone that I was going to spend my life as a cat lady (along with Guinea Pigs) who also happens to be a Bibliophile and a tea connoisseur; got no problem with that. My parents (I think) also don’t have a problem with that, I guess they still believe I might be a closeted lesbian. But then I date a guy and yadda yadda yadda, TLDR: I don’t see a problem with getting married, so long as it’s with him. It’s not like he’s going to get in the way of being a cat lady who also happens to be a Bibliophile and a tea connoisseur.

Five years into the future and marriage seems still halfway across the world for me, and my parents are itching to wed their kids off at that point. They start to get passive aggressive about it, but I got no problem with that. But, TLDR: RAM (current boyfriend who is not going to get in the way of my plan to be a cat lady who also happens to be a Bibliophile and a tea connoisseur) had to move to another country. Dun dun dun!!!!

That means, both RAM and I had to expedite the whole marriage plan, which, still, it’s not a problem for the both of us. Well, that is until I told me Mum about it. She went berserk. She’s gone to the dark side. She starts planning to invite people that I’m pretty sure I’ll never see again in my lifetime, and fretting about when I told her, I want it to be a low-key affair. She probably had let her jaw drop, if she could, when I told her I’m just planning to get married in a registry office and then go out for a lunch or dinner with family and some close friends.

At that moment, I can finally understand when people were being over dramatic by describing someone who’s in shock with the likes of “her eyes popped out of the socket”, because, mate, let me tell you, me Mum fit the description. Then she went on a rant about how it is not appropriate to invite someone only for a lunch or dinner if one had just gotten married. Well, I guess the Lady didn’t quite get my note, because if everything were up to me, there won’t be even be a lunch or dinner. So, we sort of fought about it, and she gone figuratively south by going, “why don’t we just have a party in our house?”

Mate, I almost lost it when she said that. Have. The. Freaking. Wedding. Party. In. My. House.???? The exact party that I don’t even want in the first place? Gee, the Lady REALLY didn’t get my note. So, I had to slowly spell it to her that hell will freeze before that ever had the chance of happening. And, get this, when I told her that my reason is as simple as I don’t want the neighbours to know because that would be embarrassing, she was exasperated she couldn’t even say anything back. And if you think my reasoning is weird, you’re welcome to join me Mum’s club called “Dear God, I think my daughter has finally lost it.”

That aside, I think the reason I am oppose to the idea of being married is about my value being less than I am. Me Mum and the whole lot of my family made it seem that I’m getting married for the sole reason that I’ll become a vessel for babies. I am incredibly insulted at that insinuation.

Of all the billions and billions of soul wandering around somewhere, God had chosen me to live in the earth. I know that I’m never going to make an impact such as curing cancer in my life time, but I would like to think that my purpose in life is more than just to continue human race, to procreate, to help my spouse sire another human being, and what have you. Look, nothing bad about procreating, but I’m not signing up for that. I don’t think I am selfless enough to love another human being, much less one that looks like boiled potato and can only shit and cry for the better of its five years in life.

I am angry that suddenly my status in life has been elevated to that of a much respectable adult just by giving birth, and that can only be achieved by marriage. No! I might never be a responsible and respectable adult, but I also won’t be one just because now I have a kid of me own. I don’t know if this made any sense, but I feel like if ever I am married, I feel that my value has decrease to the point that I will just be someone’s wife, or someone’s mother and not who I really am, which to be completely honest I might only be a cat lady who also happens to be a Bibliophile and a tea connoisseur. The thing is, I am much much happier to be known as the latter than the former, because it’s an identity that I chose for myself. That whatever accomplishment and praises that people gave me would be because my incredible caring nature for my cats (and/or guinea pigs), my library, and my expertise in tea, as opposed to having a cute child and/or a successful spouse.

Gosh, that was a long explanation, one that might not necessarily explained anything, anyway. But then again, why should I? I don’t have to explain myself to people, though in the end I did try to explain, albeit unsuccessfully. Point is, you are welcome to think I might need to be exorcise, or that I might the spawn of the devil, or that I grew another head, or join hand with me Mum in thinking that I totally lost it in life. But, I stand by my case that marriage is still something I would rather not do, but I’d probably do it anyway. Oh man, life.

What a shite thing it is to be a grown up when you don’t even want to be there in the first place. Like, I didn’t even plan to be dealing with this shite at 28. I thought I’d be doing something else at 28, granted that whatever it is that I’m doing would be about liking cats’ pictures, and/or buying books, and/or brewing some tea with the correct proportion between milk and tea. Until then, do enjoy my rant.




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