Happy birthday, Ibu.

Mom’s birthday was yesterday, and I wish I had done something special for the birthday. Alas, I didn’t.

I guess she’s allowed to brood, this one time. Because, not only she has huge dramatic flair, I think a person is allowed a one day where one can brood if things don’t go out their way, that day being one’s birthday.

But, my Mom was never big on celebrating birthdays. She finds it frivolous, so to speak.

Either way, I want to congratulate my Mom on her 60th birthday.

Okay, full disclosure, I legit had to use a calendar to count my Mom’s age. I genuinely thought this was her 50th birthday. What the fuck, dilchh?

MY MOM IS 60 YEARS OLD!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK??

How did it happened?

How did my Mom grew so old? And so fast, while we’re at it.

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December: in retrospect

Wow. 2018. I’m still reeling from it. I’m still not excited about life in general, but damn am I excited that finally I can kiss 2017 good bye. See you never. I know, it’s not good to look into the past, but I’m a firm believer that whatever you have today is the fruit of your yesterday, ergo humour me by looking back at whatever happened in December of last year (oh man, you have no idea how great it feels to type last year for 2017, ha!)

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May: in retrospect

Ah I see I have become lazy in doing the Retrospect Series. Might it have something to do with my usual laziness or I just seem to have many things to be done, but it’s obvious I am doing nothing about it? Hmm. Don’t matter. What matter is that it is only two months (is it? Or is it three? One in a half?) until my departure, and it’s getting eerily real. I really should start packing and everything, but I haven’t. I haven’t even made a list of things I should bring. I have been just living my days as if nothing is about to change. Talk about being responsible, eh?

I did have some major things done actually during May. I did my medical check-up, psychometric test, got my passport, but what I didn’t do is actually submitting the much needed documents for the actual moving away. I have been putting it off for as long as I can remember. I had all the documents prepared, but I feel like to actually submit the said documents is to seal my fate and I’m not sure I’m ready to go.

I think I am just scared, but I never actually acknowledge the feeling, for to acknowledge one’s fear is to bring it to life and I really don’t need anymore distractions than I can handle.

That being said, I did have several panic attacks throughout May, but I handled it just fine.

Now, what else does May means to me?

I think May was that one trail that leads you to the rickety old bridge. You knew where the trail would lead you, you’re scared if it but you keep on going anyway, knowing that it is the only way out of your misery. I think May is here to prepare me for June, because by the time June ends I will be crossing the bridge of no return. Come July, I really don’t have any other reason but to seal my fate to move to Colombia. Gosh, dramatic aren’t I? I mean, we’re not even halfway through June and I’m already sweating over July.

Yep, I can feel my panic attack creeping up on me.

Oh, I also have been taking Spanish class, so that counts as something good amongst the many panic attack I’ve been having since May, right?

Yeah.