May: in retrospect

Ah I see I have become lazy in doing the Retrospect Series. Might it have something to do with my usual laziness or I just seem to have many things to be done, but it’s obvious I am doing nothing about it? Hmm. Don’t matter. What matter is that it is only two months (is it? Or is it three? One in a half?) until my departure, and it’s getting eerily real. I really should start packing and everything, but I haven’t. I haven’t even made a list of things I should bring. I have been just living my days as if nothing is about to change. Talk about being responsible, eh?

I did have some major things done actually during May. I did my medical check-up, psychometric test, got my passport, but what I didn’t do is actually submitting the much needed documents for the actual moving away. I have been putting it off for as long as I can remember. I had all the documents prepared, but I feel like to actually submit the said documents is to seal my fate and I’m not sure I’m ready to go.

I think I am just scared, but I never actually acknowledge the feeling, for to acknowledge one’s fear is to bring it to life and I really don’t need anymore distractions than I can handle.

That being said, I did have several panic attacks throughout May, but I handled it just fine.

Now, what else does May means to me?

I think May was that one trail that leads you to the rickety old bridge. You knew where the trail would lead you, you’re scared if it but you keep on going anyway, knowing that it is the only way out of your misery. I think May is here to prepare me for June, because by the time June ends I will be crossing the bridge of no return. Come July, I really don’t have any other reason but to seal my fate to move to Colombia. Gosh, dramatic aren’t I? I mean, we’re not even halfway through June and I’m already sweating over July.

Yep, I can feel my panic attack creeping up on me.

Oh, I also have been taking Spanish class, so that counts as something good amongst the many panic attack I’ve been having since May, right?


things you may not want to know but i'm telling you anyway

Measuring the immeasurable


How do you know that someone cares for you?

That someone loves you to the moon and back, or so the saying goes?

That someone would catch a grenade for you? Or maybe only Bruno would do that for you?

Do you have some sort of note where you can measure in numbers to tell you that this particular person cares for you, and the other person doesn’t because their number just is not enough?

Do you have some sort of guidelines with clear cut definition on what is it that someone must do for them to be understood as caring and loving towards you? Maybe you do. Maybe you don’t.

But, can love and caring be measured? I don’t know.

I have some sort of definition in my head on which I refer to when I think of the people I know. There are those that I think caring and loving, and then there are those that I would label “proceed with caution” whenever I met them.

Continue reading “Measuring the immeasurable”


April: in retrospect

April. Four months until my departure.

It’s crazy to think that we’re already four months in 2017, well maybe not crazy per se, more like, “Who would have thought I’m alive for another year!”; which on hindsight is pretty crazy. Why? Well, let’s just say me turning 29 is something that never cross my mind. Oh right, my birthday is in April so that’s why the whole I’m still alive thing is sorta of important, for me, at least.

Moving along.

To be completely honest I really don’t know how April rolls around this year. Growing up, April was a sacred month, right from the first of April I would be doing countdown until my birthday. But, this year, amongst the whirlwind that is preparing for moving abroad (hopefully in August, cross fingers!) I really couldn’t be bothered with the countdown. I felt like I was constantly on the run. There’s always something to be done, something to be taken care of, people to text, people to meet, people to make friends with, and literally all the adulting things that I swore I would never want to do, but then I ended up doing it anyway.

Am I excited about turning 29?

I’m a bit indifferent about this one. Adding another number to my age bore no significance whatsoever to me. Never has, never will (I think). Weird thing about turning 29 is that I’m somewhat curious about turning 20. What’s 30 going to be like?

How’s work?

Strangely work hasn’t been that demanding, most probably because I haven’t been in the office for quite some time, which I am absolutely not complaining about. Speaking of complaining, I took back some of the things I’ve said last year about work getting in the way of my reading; because this year, work was not the one that gets in the way of my reading, my stressful situation is the thing that’s keeping me away from my reading. This is the last day of April, and I’ve just managed to read 11 books!!


And whilst we’re talking about books, what say you about what I’m supposed to do with my books? I have about 20-30-ish books that I haven’t read yet. Should I bring said books to Colombia or leave it back in Jakarta, with the possibility of me reading said books three years from now? But, if I do bring the books with me to Colombia, I’m taking way too much space in my luggage, and besides who’s to say that I won’t be hoarding books in Colombia, right? Oh the dilemma!

Okay what other things to complain about?

Ah well the usual brand new triumvirate!

I’m sorry, what’s that?

Oh, right, you don’t know this. See, when I was in high school, I came up with the Triumvirate Holiday, which consist of Eid Fitr, Christmas, and New Year. There was a time where all three holidays were days after each other and it was hell for me (excuse me drama flare). It means I have to spend a really long week with my family, and, put simply, my family is not the kind of family where people should be together for a long amount of time. Well, anyway, afterwards the three holidays became known as the triumvirate holiday and I avoid it like a plague (for a second I forgot the word avoid in English, I had to Google translate it).

But, now that I’m 29, I have another set of Triumvirate, Married-Being a Wife-Having Kids. Believe you me, I don’t know how many times have I been in a conversation where everything boils down to one, if not all three, of those things.

“Oh, you’re moving to Colombia? But you’re married, right? What does your husband think?”

“Moving to Colombia? How are you going to take care of your husband?”

“You’re going to live in Colombia? What about kids?”



Extra UGH!

Do I have to explain about this?

Let’s not, okay?

Let’s just say, most of the people I’ve met in the past months have been nosy pricks.

And with that, I end my retrospect series for April, the official month of UGH! in 2017!

things you may not want to know but i'm telling you anyway

Happy birthday, you!

Birthdays are a cause for celebration, right? Well, not really when you realised that there are shit tons of responsibilities waiting for you. I know, I know, it’s getting old for me to complain about getting old and hating the responsibilities. But since it’s my birthday, let me just get what I want.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad. Because good news is I’ve finished and accomplished a lot of things today (yeah, I haven’t actually finished my laundry, but that can wait until tomorrow). I didn’t quite celebrate my birthday like I did years before, but it’s alright. I guess.

I woke up this morning feeling awful, because I have so many things to do. But because I woke up late, I don’t quite have enough time to complain or feel sorry for myself. I had to arrive at work as quickly as I could. When I got to work, I just start doing everything as fast as I could. When it was done, I had to go to some other place and suddenly the whole day is filled with this sense of being in a rush.

Next thing I knew, I was already at home, paying my bills and tried (emphasise on the word tried) to iron some of my clothes; sadly I only manage to iron about 8 pieces of clothing, still an achievement though) and watched an episode of Thirteen Reasons Why before feeling somewhat depressed myself. So, now I’m writing this blog post.

So, 29 hasn’t been going great, so far, but I still have 364 more days to see if 29 is all that bad. I have that going for me. Oh, and as to why I put a medicine in the artwork, don’t try to read between the lines; I’m just tired and I’ve been having clogged nose and coughing fit for the better part of two weeks, so instead of cake (which I don’t even like and it’s too much of a cliche to have a cake as a symbol of birthdays), a bottle of medicine best suited how I’m celebrating this year’s birthday. No, I’m not going to chug a whole bottle of cough syrup.

Oh! I got orange tulips from RAM for my birthday. It’s blooming. Hope I can nail this taking-care-of-flowers thing.


March: in retrospect

I spent my years growing up doing countdown towards the month April. This year, all I ever wanted was for either January, February or March to stay where it was, let’s not have April come around.

I’ll turn 29 this year comes 13 April. I didn’t want April to come around because I’m scared of getting older; I’m just scared of growing up, of embracing future responsibilities, and of future challenges that may come my way. Sounds irresponsible? Maybe. But to justify that, I’m going to say that at the very least, I am honest about my fear and of who I really am.

Continue reading “March: in retrospect”


February: in retrospect

To call February a month of whirlwind of emotion would be an understatement, nevertheless it has been one. I got so caught up in everything that when reality seeps in and just knock down my doors, I was so surprised that my first instinct was to just shut down and hope everything would blow over. A lot has happened in the shortest month of the year, more than I thought it could be possible in just 28 days! Continue reading “February: in retrospect”

things you may not want to know but i'm telling you anyway

Oh, the horror!


People romanticise travelling, moving away, going on adventures, and what have you. But, to actually pack your life for the next two years to come is just horrible if not like hell on earth. RAM’s going away to Abuja tomorrow, and whilst we both are somewhat excited about the prospect of experiencing new way of life and broadening our knowledge, it’s just nerve wrecking, having no knowledge whatsoever about Nigeria (apart from what we’ve googled so far).

Next to that, there’s always that ominous feeling about you must have left something behind when you’re packing, innit?

Have I got my undies? Yes.

Have I got all my shirts and pants? Yes.

Have I got all my documents? Yes.

Have I got all me electronic devices, along with their respective chargers? Yes.

Have I got my medicines? Yes.

Okay, then I’m good to go.

But, you always have that feeling that maybe you might have left something behind. The fact that you’ve been checking and re-checking everything and it seems that everything is in order still won’t calm your nerves. You still have that nagging feeling that you might have left something behind. And then you’re just going to end up stressing yourself to sleep.

Even as you have packed everything in order, there’s that fear of the unknown.

Are you going to like the new place?

Are you going to be okay?

It’s even more nerve wrecking when you knew that you’re only going to be together for a month before you went back home to Jakarta on your own.

Okay, that was a bit too real. That’s my own experience.

Whilst I’m beyond excited for RAM, I can’t help but feel a bit sad about being away (for the umpteenth time) from RAM. I’m worried about him being in Abuja on his own. I’m worried about myself being in Jakarta without him. Things start to hit my face full force when we start packing our stuff this morning. The whole apartment was in chaos because we’re throwing our stuff out to be catalogued and packed.

Wow! RAM and I are seriously going to Abuja tomorrow! What. The. Actual. Frick. Frack?