May: in retrospect

Ah I see I have become lazy in doing the Retrospect Series. Might it have something to do with my usual laziness or I just seem to have many things to be done, but it’s obvious I am doing nothing about it? Hmm. Don’t matter. What matter is that it is only two months (is it? Or is it three? One in a half?) until my departure, and it’s getting eerily real. I really should start packing and everything, but I haven’t. I haven’t even made a list of things I should bring. I have been just living my days as if nothing is about to change. Talk about being responsible, eh?

I did have some major things done actually during May. I did my medical check-up, psychometric test, got my passport, but what I didn’t do is actually submitting the much needed documents for the actual moving away. I have been putting it off for as long as I can remember. I had all the documents prepared, but I feel like to actually submit the said documents is to seal my fate and I’m not sure I’m ready to go.

I think I am just scared, but I never actually acknowledge the feeling, for to acknowledge one’s fear is to bring it to life and I really don’t need anymore distractions than I can handle.

That being said, I did have several panic attacks throughout May, but I handled it just fine.

Now, what else does May means to me?

I think May was that one trail that leads you to the rickety old bridge. You knew where the trail would lead you, you’re scared if it but you keep on going anyway, knowing that it is the only way out of your misery. I think May is here to prepare me for June, because by the time June ends I will be crossing the bridge of no return. Come July, I really don’t have any other reason but to seal my fate to move to Colombia. Gosh, dramatic aren’t I? I mean, we’re not even halfway through June and I’m already sweating over July.

Yep, I can feel my panic attack creeping up on me.

Oh, I also have been taking Spanish class, so that counts as something good amongst the many panic attack I’ve been having since May, right?



April: in retrospect

April. Four months until my departure.

It’s crazy to think that we’re already four months in 2017, well maybe not crazy per se, more like, “Who would have thought I’m alive for another year!”; which on hindsight is pretty crazy. Why? Well, let’s just say me turning 29 is something that never cross my mind. Oh right, my birthday is in April so that’s why the whole I’m still alive thing is sorta of important, for me, at least.

Moving along.

To be completely honest I really don’t know how April rolls around this year. Growing up, April was a sacred month, right from the first of April I would be doing countdown until my birthday. But, this year, amongst the whirlwind that is preparing for moving abroad (hopefully in August, cross fingers!) I really couldn’t be bothered with the countdown. I felt like I was constantly on the run. There’s always something to be done, something to be taken care of, people to text, people to meet, people to make friends with, and literally all the adulting things that I swore I would never want to do, but then I ended up doing it anyway.

Am I excited about turning 29?

I’m a bit indifferent about this one. Adding another number to my age bore no significance whatsoever to me. Never has, never will (I think). Weird thing about turning 29 is that I’m somewhat curious about turning 20. What’s 30 going to be like?

How’s work?

Strangely work hasn’t been that demanding, most probably because I haven’t been in the office for quite some time, which I am absolutely not complaining about. Speaking of complaining, I took back some of the things I’ve said last year about work getting in the way of my reading; because this year, work was not the one that gets in the way of my reading, my stressful situation is the thing that’s keeping me away from my reading. This is the last day of April, and I’ve just managed to read 11 books!!


And whilst we’re talking about books, what say you about what I’m supposed to do with my books? I have about 20-30-ish books that I haven’t read yet. Should I bring said books to Colombia or leave it back in Jakarta, with the possibility of me reading said books three years from now? But, if I do bring the books with me to Colombia, I’m taking way too much space in my luggage, and besides who’s to say that I won’t be hoarding books in Colombia, right? Oh the dilemma!

Okay what other things to complain about?

Ah well the usual brand new triumvirate!

I’m sorry, what’s that?

Oh, right, you don’t know this. See, when I was in high school, I came up with the Triumvirate Holiday, which consist of Eid Fitr, Christmas, and New Year. There was a time where all three holidays were days after each other and it was hell for me (excuse me drama flare). It means I have to spend a really long week with my family, and, put simply, my family is not the kind of family where people should be together for a long amount of time. Well, anyway, afterwards the three holidays became known as the triumvirate holiday and I avoid it like a plague (for a second I forgot the word avoid in English, I had to Google translate it).

But, now that I’m 29, I have another set of Triumvirate, Married-Being a Wife-Having Kids. Believe you me, I don’t know how many times have I been in a conversation where everything boils down to one, if not all three, of those things.

“Oh, you’re moving to Colombia? But you’re married, right? What does your husband think?”

“Moving to Colombia? How are you going to take care of your husband?”

“You’re going to live in Colombia? What about kids?”



Extra UGH!

Do I have to explain about this?

Let’s not, okay?

Let’s just say, most of the people I’ve met in the past months have been nosy pricks.

And with that, I end my retrospect series for April, the official month of UGH! in 2017!


March: in retrospect

I spent my years growing up doing countdown towards the month April. This year, all I ever wanted was for either January, February or March to stay where it was, let’s not have April come around.

I’ll turn 29 this year comes 13 April. I didn’t want April to come around because I’m scared of getting older; I’m just scared of growing up, of embracing future responsibilities, and of future challenges that may come my way. Sounds irresponsible? Maybe. But to justify that, I’m going to say that at the very least, I am honest about my fear and of who I really am.

Continue reading “March: in retrospect”


February: in retrospect

To call February a month of whirlwind of emotion would be an understatement, nevertheless it has been one. I got so caught up in everything that when reality seeps in and just knock down my doors, I was so surprised that my first instinct was to just shut down and hope everything would blow over. A lot has happened in the shortest month of the year, more than I thought it could be possible in just 28 days! Continue reading “February: in retrospect”


January: in retrospect

Yikes! We’re already one month into January. It’s crazy, if you ask me. A lot of things have happened in just the span of 31 days; from the inauguration of Trump, the executive order he signed, the uproar that resulted from it all across the globe, down to Jakarta’s Gubernatorial Election that’s heating up as we go along. Makes you wonder what else is in store from 2017 if 31 days into 2017 and we’ve already have so much happening.

January 2017 for me is more about changes; a lot is going to change, if not already changing as I speak type. I’ve been married for a month and so far it’s been alright, but the backlash I’m getting for not yet procreating another human being is just too much to handle. Like, I don’t know how I could stress it enough that procreating is not high on my priorities’ list. From countless of comments about my weight, “Oh you look fat, are you carrying?”

Yes! I’m carrying happiness, fat, unresolved anger, and I just had a big lunch.

To the most bizarre one, like being mistaken for getting pregnant when clearly I had a bad case of diarrhoea, bacterial infection on me tummy and a significant rise of my gastric acid. I was constantly shitting my arse out and me mum thought I was pregnant. I was battling with severe tummy ache due to the rise of my gastric acid and bacterial infection, she was sure that that was the divine message that I was pregnant. Well, mum, sorry to be bursting your bubble, but I ain’t preggers.

Aside from the change in people’s attitude about me being married therefore I would automatically procreate resulting in others annoy the living peace out of me by constantly nagging about the lack of baby bump in me tummy, apart from the usual belly fat, married life pretty much is the same as usual.

But, ’tis is not the end for more changes are coming my way!

If everything goes according to plan, RAM and I probably will be leaving for Abuja, Nigeria, by next week. I’m going to stay there for a month whilst RAM will stay there for the next two years. More often than not, people have come up to me and said  that the fact RAM will be halfway across the world will bring a significant shift on our relationship. As much I would like to appreciate people’s concern (or their tendency to just butt in on my personal affair), that’s just a load of crap. And even if it will bring a significant shift to our relationship, please refrain yourself from giving unsolicited advice and/or comment.

Wait! Wait! One last change!

Now, obviously I really don’t want to jinx myself but if everything goes according to plan (again), I hope that either by the second or third semester of 2017, I will embark on a new adventure of me own. I’m going to be super vague about it not without reason, but because I’m superstitious in a way that I feel if I say it in words about the things I want the most I would be tempting the fate and messing about with the natural order of things, resulting in me jinxing myself; so bear with me and pretend like you know what I mean about this so-called adventure.

But, how about work? No complaint?

Well, work is work. It has been alright so far, pretty tame if I’m being honest. It’s still a chore, but that’s why it’s called work instead of napping, right?