Walking away.

This blog has been nothing but my place of refuge since 2015. I have prided myself for being able to keep writing in this blog for five consecutive years. I rarely am very committed to anything. I get bored easily. But not with writing in this blog. There was nothing boring about writing about my opinion on books; or writing about short stories only I could found interesting; or even ranting about how I hate my job.

The most surprising thing is that even when I was diagnosed with depression, I only took a small break before returning to write in this blog.

The return to Jakarta have been nothing but difficult. Which is such a cruel joke to me. I have been waiting to return to Jakarta since 2017, so to actually going through such a hard time that I couldn’t even write nor can I find solace in writing anymore is the darkest comedy of all.

So, what happened?

To hate one’s job is only natural, isn’t it? Just do it, no matter how much you hate it, as long as it pays the bill, right?

But, what must you do if, not only do you hate your job, but you also have no faith in doing it anymore? I have lose every miniscule of hope I have left in the job that I do that everyday I wake up feeling like someone is throwing salt on your unrecovered open wound.

Right now, all I really want is to walk away. Walk away from my job. Walk away from the burden of wanting to keep this blog alive. Walk away from my own responsibility that feels like a burden dragging me down to the depths of the ocean.

Until next time. Whenever that next time maybe.

Book review: The Gun, by Fuminori Takamura

Book cover from Goodreads

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️☆

Title: The Gun

Author: Fuminori Takamura, Allison Markin Powell (Translator)

Genre: Contemporary, Cultural, Fiction, Mystery, Thriller

Goodreads link

i thought talking about it would help

i thought talking about my depression would help. but now i only felt isolated in my depression.

i wanted to accept the depression as a part of who i am. my psychiatrist said that i’ll get better, so no need to worry.

i don’t feel bad about being depressed. i just felt alone in my depression. it always feel like everyone is moving forward but me.

It’s 2020 already?

I don’t have much to say for 2020. I just hope that I can get back to my reading pace, finding the joy of reading back into my life, and start writing book reviews from all the books I’ve read from 2019 that has yet to be done. Other than that, I’m just super excited because this will be my last year in Bogota, Colombia. Well, yeah, that’s all I have to say for 2020. I’m not expecting much, because the last time I expect something, things didn’t just did not happen the way I had hoped it to happen, but I was figuratively fucked (I’m looking at you 2019).

 

Book review: A Treasury of Royal Scandals, by Michael Farquhar

Book cover from Goodreads

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️☆☆

Title: A Treasury of Royal Scandals

Author: Michael Farquhar

Genre: History, Humour, Nonfiction

Goodreads link

Happy birthday, Lemon!

I turned 30 just short of one month ago, and honestly it hasn’t quite sink in yet. I feel like, it’s just the way of life, you know? That you got older as the year gone by, and that’s pretty much it. It is the nature of things that I don’t like being told what to do with my life. I hated it, still do actually. And maybe that’s why the idea of growing old never really quite hit me, because I refuse to acknowledge what it all means. But, maybe today that’s about to change.

Today is my baby brother’s 27th birthday. It’s crazy, it honestly is. Because to me, he’s still my baby brother, the one in diaper and the one I told that he was adopted growing up. When you grow up, you change. You become an entirely different person than who you used to be when you were younger. I like to think I didn’t change at all from when I was younger, and to some extent it is true, but looking at how much my brother had changed from when he was still drooling and in diaper, it brought my own life into perspective. But, I’m not here to tell you about my life’s stories (that’s for another time), I’m here to tell you a story of my baby brother, which I will call Lemon in this story. Don’t ask why.

I’m liking… Zumbo’s Just Desserts

Life is just generally boring for me the last few weeks after RAM went back to Abuja, but good things aren’t going to come and knocking on your doors; you have to make your own good things. And whilst a good food is sometimes more than enough to make me feel good, other times it could be music, tv shows or just literally could be anything. On that note, I am now seriously thinking of creating a new category, which would be about things that I am currently obsessing about. I don’t know if I can keep this category up, but we’ll have to see. So, what is my current obsession?

Tunes of the week (2/2/2018 – 8/2/2018)

 

I tried writing a tune of the week since the last time I posted Declan McKenna’s Why Do You Feel So Down?, but apparently it’s hard to just pick one good song that have helped me survive the week. That being said, why should I limit myself to just one song when I can have several songs I would have enjoyed? Ergo, enjoy this tunes of the week and some of my personal comment. Oh and come have a listen on my playlist, hopefully this will get regularly updated every Friday.

Friday Find(s): Why do you feel so down?

The beauty of being stuck in traffic (so long as you’re not the one driving, or you’re not in a hurry, or you’re not in dire need of a toilet break) is sometime you could stumble upon a great tune when you least expect it. Take this instance as an example, I was stuck in traffic this morning (obviously I was not driving, nor do I in need of a toilet break, but I might be in a hurry as I was on my way to work), I was just randomly listening to Spotify when I stumbled upon, Declan McKenna’s Why do you feel so down?

This was one of those songs that when you first listen to it, you would think that this is such a great tune to jam or to dance to. But, take a moment to listen to the lyrics, and you’ll realise, the song is not as fun as you thought it was. It has this cheesy pop tunes that is actually would make this song a proper tune to wake up in the morning. The lyrics, though..

The lyrics are somewhat self-deprecating, but seems very fitting of where I am right now.

No. No. I’m not looking for pity and going all “oh-woe-is-me”, but take a look and this part, “I’ve gone weak and I’m sick of speakin’.” But at the same time, the lyrics were sung with such a cheery and cheesy pop tune that you don’t really feel incredibly self deprecating.

Either way, this song is the song of this week and I am very stoke to share this as my Friday Find. I haven’t been writing a lot for Friday Find, and to my defence, I was not really around for the last two Fridays, so I’m going to make it up with this song.

So, if you’re into self-deprecating song but not necessarily a big fan of sad tunes that brought you unnecessary tear, I would totally recommend this song. And the video itself is not a bad thing to watch, pretty enjoyable and fitting to the song, I think. Cheery but a bit deprecating at the same time.

Morning workouts on TV? Who does that?

Hope you enjoy this song as much as I need and I hope that this song will get you through the week, like it did to me.

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Musical note in the cover is designed by Freepik

 

Friday Find(s): Rock Bands

Another entry to the Friday Find(s), another minuscule discovery that have kept me going for another week. Last week, I stumbled upon a website that have helped me in writing, and whilst I don’t necessarily have been using it frequently, it was fun whilst it last.

This week, I stumbled upon several English and Scottish rock bands, of which I am already quite familiar with way back in 2013.